What a difference a glimpse can make...

Almost 6 months...thousands of job postings, dozens of applications, several interviews and finally some relief. I was just amazed at how my perception changed after a small glimpse of my future was revealed to me.

Imagine how God feels being able to see ALL of our lives ahead of us. I imagine that it is difficult to watch us suffer and plea to Him when he already sees what is coming and that it is good. The biggest question I was asking God during the last 6 months was.."What was the point of that?" I went through so many interviews, ran my emotions through the ringer, cried...a lot...and I didn't see any purpose for it. Nothing is worse than spending months preparing for interviews, dreaming of what your life could be like, have everyone around tell you how great you would be at that job only to be passed over for someone else.

You start to feel your self-esteem and self-worth get smaller and smaller. You start applying for jobs below your skills just to get something. It wears on you and I don't know how people do it without a faith in God. I believe there are a few things in life that test our faith more than others...in no particular order...unemployment, death/illness and infertility. Some of these issues will never have a happy ending and they are unfair and no one is immune which makes them even harder.

I would always pray for breadcrumbs from God. Something to let me know that I am at least going in the right direction. He doesn't give breadcrumbs like we would prefer...little clues and assurance that we are doing the right thing. His type of breadcrumbs are how close we feel to him. When I finally gave in and realized that I can't do this without Him, I felt Him closer to me. This doesn't mean that I was happier and more hopeful...I was actually more desperate and hopeless but I knew He was right there with me.

Now that I have a glimpse into my future...more of the past 6 months makes sense. I feel God saying, "You remember how you were concerned about this, this and this...yeah, I took care of those things in this job for you. But it wasn't ready until now." I needed to see how much certain things meant to me so I could be really grateful for what God has given me in the new position. I also needed to explore the dream jobs I thought I wanted. I had to go thru that to let it go...to embrace my current career and realize that maybe God's plans for me are bigger than that.

This small glimpse changed the way I look back at one of the toughest times of my life. If God is faithful in this area...why wouldn't he be faithful in every other area of my life? What other "glimpses" am I not able to see now, but will see soon? It makes the other areas of "waiting" in my life...seem strangely dim once I focus my eyes on what he has already promised and delivered.

I love this song by Francesca Battistelli called Strangely Dim. My favorite line is "I just can't see past the things I pray, today"

Who do you think you are?

In a few days I will speak to some members of my church about dealing with their "Cravings" and share more about my journey of weight loss. I agreed to do this speaking engagement months ago. I remember telling my pastor, "It's hard to speak to others and encourage them when I am in such a tough place myself." I know that my journey is important to share. I see lives changed through my courage to speak about food and God.

But I have to admit, I have never felt so unworthy of the cause right now.

I am struggling with more than just my faith...I am struggling with my weight. Here is the truth that I haven't wanted to share with all of you...I have gained back 30 pounds over the past year. Ugh...I hate even writing that. I worked SO HARD to get to where I was and I feel so defeated. Yes, I have tried to lose it again but it is harder this time. Things that worked before, are not working. I am not working a job right now and haven't been for the past 5 months. All day full of time to sit around and think about what to eat. It has been a tough 5 months for so many reasons. I am sad to share this with you but at least you know I am human. This part of the journey is usually not part of the books or blogs you read about weight loss. I will blog more about gaining the weight back...I am sure some of you can relate to that.

So here I am, preparing what I will say to others about how God is faithful to help you with your issues with food. I feel like a bit of a fraud. I do know those truths...I have seen them work but I am not trusting now. Maybe this speaking event is more for me than them. Isn't that a crazy thought...?

Satan LOVES me like this because I hear his lies louder than ever. These are his lies...

You have no right to tell these people to trust God

God has left you to deal with this weight, you are the one who put it back on

You are not qualified to do this

Who do you think you are?

This is when I have to tell myself who I really am. I am a child of God who has been given the opportunity to share the gospel. I am a real woman, with real struggles that has seen the promises of God in her life.

God does not call those who are equipped, he equips those He calls. I am called to speak the words, God is the one that works in the people hearing them. That is beyond me but I am being faithful and doing what is asked of me.

I don't have to be perfect to be a tool used by God. He actually prefers the broken because He can shine through the cracks.

Please be in prayer that I can be a faithful servant on Sunday and that my words...my honest words...will help change the life of someone listening.

You heard from who?!?

I have always been fascinated hearing stories of people who say they have "heard from God." There have been times when I have desperately called out for God to speak to me, yet I "heard" nothing. Over the past few years, I realized that God rarely speaks audibly to us. Which makes this phenomenon even harder to comprehend.

I believe God "speaks" to us through a song on the radio, a smile from a stranger or an odd coincidence but that still doesn't answer the question regarding hearing from God. I am going to do my best to explain my experiences of hearing from God.

I can count on one hand the times in my life when I feel like God spoke to me. None of these came in the form of a James Earl Jones voice booming through my head but they were profound. I always wondered how I would tell the difference between God's voice and my own inner voice. I talk to myself ALL the time because I am a woman and my mind never rests. But through my experiences, I am starting to tell the difference.

The messages I have received have been short and to the point but they really fall into these 3 categories.

The Messenger
God uses others to relay a message to us. This one is always a complete surprise and usually shakes me up. Here are a few examples...more than once in my life God has told someone else in my life to bless me. A few times it was a co-worker who said that during their prayer time, God told them to do something. Sometimes it was a gift of money and another time I showed up to 5 bags of groceries outside of my office door when my husband and I were struggling financially. One of the most shocking stories to me was when a girl that I went to summer camp with, a million years ago, said that during her prayer time God told her to send me some money. Her financial situation was in worse shape than ours but she was faithful and I received a beautiful surprise from someone I had not seen in 10 years. I carry the envelope she sent in my purse to always remind me of God's faithfulness and how he uses other people to "speak to me."

The Feeling
I believe we all have "gut" feelings that help us make choices in our lives. When you are in a close relationship with God, those "gut" feelings can be a way for him to guide our lives. There have been days when I am filled with anxiety but without reason I will feel a sudden rush of peace. That has to be God. I also get feelings to call my cousin, or an old friend out the blue. When I call them, it is confirmed to me that they really needed someone to talk to and I am thankful that God can use me in that way. This one really only works when you are striving to know God more...these feelings tend to fade the more we drift from the Holy Spirit.

The Words 
Finally....the big one. Actual words from God are something that is hard to explain. Only a few times in life do I feel like I have "heard" words from God. There are a few ways I know that it is Him. I realize at this point in reading you might think that I am a little crazy but guess what....Faith is crazy. It will make you think, feel and do things that will never make sense in this world. Once you admit that loving Jesus is crazy...the ride gets more interesting.

Like I mentioned before, I talk to myself almost nonstop but when I am trying to hear from God...I try to stop talking. You can't listen if you don't stop speaking.  One time I was confessing to God how worried I was about someone I love. I was reading God my list of "what ifs" (like he didn't already know them) and it was clear as day in my head...God said, "I will take care of him." That was definitely not something that I would say and the words just sounded different in my mind. That day was a huge turning point during my life and was the beginning of the healing of my issues with anxiety. And guess what...God DID take care of him and a million times better than I ever could have.

More recently I was standing in the shower, singing at the top of my lungs to "Your Great Name" by Natalie Grant. Music is a big form of worship for me (probably the reason I cry through all the songs during church) but it is hard to hear anything when I am singing. So I stopped singing and just listened...I heard (in my head) "Michelle, everything WILL be ok." Now, I have said a phrase like that to myself maybe a million times over the past 5 months but this time it was a statement of truth...not an optimistic prediction. There is a huge difference. At that moment I believed that statement of truth and I just knew it didn't come from me.

I know this topic can come across as a little "off the wall" but I want you to know that God does speak to His children but in different ways. I also know that most people will not believe until they experience it themselves which is just fine. The thing is, you have to believe a little bit before you can start to see (and hear) what God has in store for you.

What do you say...when you are not ok?

"How are you doing with everything?"
"How is the job search going?"
"Have you found anything yet?"
"How are you doing financially?"
"Are you ok?"

I am ok...I guess

Welcome to the opening lines of just about every conversation I am having lately. I know that people ask out of genuine concern and care but I am running out of energy to give them the pleasant and hopeful responses I have memorized by now. As a Christian, I feel like I need to have that pleasant response all the time. I have the hope of Jesus...I really do but it doesn't mean I can always feel it. I have moments of absolute certainty that God has amazing things ahead for me but I also have moments of despair and doubt. I am human and my mind is a constant battle field between the best and worst case scenarios.

Honesty, is something that I think is really lacking in the Church. I don't want to be the one to break the image of happy and hopeful Christians but we struggle too. Somewhere I got this idea that once I was in a close relationship with God...I wouldn't struggle this much but I have found the opposite to be true. No one said it would be harder.

The truth is...that I am not ok but our definitions of "ok" may differ. I have an incredible support system full of amazing friends and family including my husband who is the best gift from God. I see God's love for me and support during this time but it is still hard. I know I will be ok, but I am not ok right now. There is the truth...the truth that you don't really want to hear when you ask how I am doing. I think it is important to know that even with a firm faith in Christ...I am still having a tough time. I still have doubts and anxiety about my future. I still have times when I am not ok.

But there is good news...God doesn't change even when I do. His faithfulness doesn't change even when I am consumed with doubt. His love for me doesn't decrease even when I am angry about where He has me waiting. I don't know about you...but that is the definition of hope. Hope is the difference between me and a non-believer who has been unemployed for 5 months. I have hope...that God will fulfill his promises and hope that His love is never ending and never changing.

When I look at it that way....then I guess I really am ok. When I focus on all of that...my search for a job and all of the other issues in life seems "Strangely Dim."

This song is really an anthem for my life right now. "Strangely Dim" by Francesca Battistelli

Who will fill the Gap?

When I get ideas for a blog, I usually think about them frequently over the course of a few days or even weeks. I am sure this is God saying, "hey....write about this. No seriously, I need you to write about this. MICHELLE...go write about it NOW."

Well 2 minutes ago...He added the "NOW" part of that statement. I am in a season of being in the gap. The area between the need for a miracle and the actually miracle taking place. Waiting for a job is one of the toughest thing to wait for. Think about it...you can be waiting for A LOT of things in your life but the daily grind of the job helps pass the time and keeps your mind occupied. Imagine not having that option.

My daily grind consists of what pair of sweat pants to wear today or debating the order of which to watch my recorded shows on DVR. I have a gap every day between when my husband leaves and when he gets home. I obviously look for and apply for jobs everyday but if you have ever been unemployed, you know that only accounts for a certain amount of time. I have TONS of time to think about the gap...

We have financial gaps...BIG gaps right now but even when I get a job, we are looking at a big decrease in my salary. It is tough to be looking for one job let another a second job for after you get the first one to try and fill the gap. I have seen God fill our financial gap MANY times before. Crazy stories about how money has found its way to us. I have faith that God will provide financially...this isn't the biggest gap I worry about surprisingly.

We also have emotional gaps. Now this one is something I didn't worry about for a very long time because I had tons of hope that things would work out like I had planned. Well that is all gone now and I have experienced a time in life with almost no hope. The reason I named this blog "Feels Like Hope" is because it was the only distinct difference I can see in how Christians live their lives. There have been times in my life when the ONLY reason I had hope was because of Jesus. If someone didn't have that...they would literally be hopeless.

Hope is how God can fill the emotional gap between what we expected and what we are experiencing. I write that but I have to be honest, I haven't been trusting God to fill that gap recently. I don't know why but I haven't been trusting him to help me feel encouraged, hopeful, optimistic and strong. I know God can do these things but I haven't been willing to let him try. Instead I have turned to food (we all know how that turned out last time!), mindless entertainment, having a few drinks, avoiding people and places. I am being confronted about why I won't let God fill my emotional gap...

Another part about being a Christian that no one talks about is when you're unfaithfulness to a completely faithful God is brought to light. It is not shame that I feel but a sense of distrust for someone who has never let me down.

I plan to continue this journey of "Training to Trust" by watching sermons from Pastor Steven Furtick. Even though I have had this idea to blog about "The Gap" for a month, today on facebook I saw the intro video for his sermon about "The Expectation Gap"

The Expectation Gap by Pastor Steven Furtick

You can imagine my shock when the blog idea that God gave me a month ago, shows up in my newsfeed attached to one of my favorite preachers. Also while writing this, a good friend sent me this scripture: Psalm 32:8 "I will instruct you and teach you the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you."

I am not sure how much more confirmation you can get!

I just can't "get over it"...

Easter was a few days ago and even though I was stuck on the couch with an awful flu, I did watch the History Channel TV Series "The Bible" that night. I thought of this as my Church service since I was too sick to attend regular Church.

I started watching the episode on Easter already cringing. I have become my mother when it comes to TV and movies...I am now a strong PG-13 person and anything above that I can't handle. I knew how this story ends...and I was bracing for it already.

I found myself watching it through my hand covering my face. My stomach turns just thinking about it, even now. Jesus did that...not because he wanted to, not because he was caught but because he wanted to save me. I still can't shake the image...I just can't "get over it."

Yesterday, I finally realized...we aren't supposed to "get over it"...ever. The image of the brutal crucifixion should never leave our minds. It is real and it happened. We should feel uncomfortable about it because no one would voluntarily do that for us in this world.

Jesus died on the cross, to pay for sins I haven't even committed yet. Just let that sink in...

He went through that to save people he KNEW wouldn't appreciate or value it. For people who he KNEW would consistently turn him away and not accept the gift he worked so hard to get. He died on the cross so that sinners like me, who have no business in Heaven, would have the option to be reborn and have eternal life.

I hope that I never "get over it."

The absolute wonder of it all. The incredible story that happened over 2,000 years ago...to save you and me. Jesus already paid the price for you...take him up on the best gift, ever offered to anyone in all of history.

You might be unemployed if...

I am sure most of you see heard the "You might be a redneck if" jokes, well this is my unemployed version. I was not planning on being out of work long enough to actually blog about it but here we are. I am currently nursing my latest wound of being told I was "over qualified" for a position that was perfect for me. I'll save you my rant about all the messed up reasons I didn't get a second interview, you are welcome. But I am moving on and trying to keep my head up. Humor tends to be a good way to forget your troubles so here is my attempt...

You might be unemployed if any of these pertain to you...

You have ever said the phrase "those are my nice sweat pants."

It has been 2 days and you realized that you haven't showered.

You have no idea what the date is.

You have a hard time keeping a straight face when someone asks if you are busy on Tuesday.

The thought of not working...ever again...has crossed your mind a few times

There is a period of grief followed by the finishing of each TV series you watch on Netflix.

Your dog has become your therapist, career consultant, personal trainer, napping partner and most of all the only one who could care less if you have a job or not.

This is my dog, Drew, helping me find jobs. 

I hope this made you smile today. Today is "bounce back" day where I put on some lipstick and sunglasses and not sit in the corner and sulk. I must keep moving forward.

I am off to see my CHO (Chief Happiness Officer) Miss Cambria Dawn...my beautiful niece.