Who do you think you are?

In a few days I will speak to some members of my church about dealing with their "Cravings" and share more about my journey of weight loss. I agreed to do this speaking engagement months ago. I remember telling my pastor, "It's hard to speak to others and encourage them when I am in such a tough place myself." I know that my journey is important to share. I see lives changed through my courage to speak about food and God.

But I have to admit, I have never felt so unworthy of the cause right now.

I am struggling with more than just my faith...I am struggling with my weight. Here is the truth that I haven't wanted to share with all of you...I have gained back 30 pounds over the past year. Ugh...I hate even writing that. I worked SO HARD to get to where I was and I feel so defeated. Yes, I have tried to lose it again but it is harder this time. Things that worked before, are not working. I am not working a job right now and haven't been for the past 5 months. All day full of time to sit around and think about what to eat. It has been a tough 5 months for so many reasons. I am sad to share this with you but at least you know I am human. This part of the journey is usually not part of the books or blogs you read about weight loss. I will blog more about gaining the weight back...I am sure some of you can relate to that.

So here I am, preparing what I will say to others about how God is faithful to help you with your issues with food. I feel like a bit of a fraud. I do know those truths...I have seen them work but I am not trusting now. Maybe this speaking event is more for me than them. Isn't that a crazy thought...?

Satan LOVES me like this because I hear his lies louder than ever. These are his lies...

You have no right to tell these people to trust God

God has left you to deal with this weight, you are the one who put it back on

You are not qualified to do this

Who do you think you are?

This is when I have to tell myself who I really am. I am a child of God who has been given the opportunity to share the gospel. I am a real woman, with real struggles that has seen the promises of God in her life.

God does not call those who are equipped, he equips those He calls. I am called to speak the words, God is the one that works in the people hearing them. That is beyond me but I am being faithful and doing what is asked of me.

I don't have to be perfect to be a tool used by God. He actually prefers the broken because He can shine through the cracks.

Please be in prayer that I can be a faithful servant on Sunday and that my words...my honest words...will help change the life of someone listening.

You heard from who?!?

I have always been fascinated hearing stories of people who say they have "heard from God." There have been times when I have desperately called out for God to speak to me, yet I "heard" nothing. Over the past few years, I realized that God rarely speaks audibly to us. Which makes this phenomenon even harder to comprehend.

I believe God "speaks" to us through a song on the radio, a smile from a stranger or an odd coincidence but that still doesn't answer the question regarding hearing from God. I am going to do my best to explain my experiences of hearing from God.

I can count on one hand the times in my life when I feel like God spoke to me. None of these came in the form of a James Earl Jones voice booming through my head but they were profound. I always wondered how I would tell the difference between God's voice and my own inner voice. I talk to myself ALL the time because I am a woman and my mind never rests. But through my experiences, I am starting to tell the difference.

The messages I have received have been short and to the point but they really fall into these 3 categories.

The Messenger
God uses others to relay a message to us. This one is always a complete surprise and usually shakes me up. Here are a few examples...more than once in my life God has told someone else in my life to bless me. A few times it was a co-worker who said that during their prayer time, God told them to do something. Sometimes it was a gift of money and another time I showed up to 5 bags of groceries outside of my office door when my husband and I were struggling financially. One of the most shocking stories to me was when a girl that I went to summer camp with, a million years ago, said that during her prayer time God told her to send me some money. Her financial situation was in worse shape than ours but she was faithful and I received a beautiful surprise from someone I had not seen in 10 years. I carry the envelope she sent in my purse to always remind me of God's faithfulness and how he uses other people to "speak to me."

The Feeling
I believe we all have "gut" feelings that help us make choices in our lives. When you are in a close relationship with God, those "gut" feelings can be a way for him to guide our lives. There have been days when I am filled with anxiety but without reason I will feel a sudden rush of peace. That has to be God. I also get feelings to call my cousin, or an old friend out the blue. When I call them, it is confirmed to me that they really needed someone to talk to and I am thankful that God can use me in that way. This one really only works when you are striving to know God more...these feelings tend to fade the more we drift from the Holy Spirit.

The Words 
Finally....the big one. Actual words from God are something that is hard to explain. Only a few times in life do I feel like I have "heard" words from God. There are a few ways I know that it is Him. I realize at this point in reading you might think that I am a little crazy but guess what....Faith is crazy. It will make you think, feel and do things that will never make sense in this world. Once you admit that loving Jesus is crazy...the ride gets more interesting.

Like I mentioned before, I talk to myself almost nonstop but when I am trying to hear from God...I try to stop talking. You can't listen if you don't stop speaking.  One time I was confessing to God how worried I was about someone I love. I was reading God my list of "what ifs" (like he didn't already know them) and it was clear as day in my head...God said, "I will take care of him." That was definitely not something that I would say and the words just sounded different in my mind. That day was a huge turning point during my life and was the beginning of the healing of my issues with anxiety. And guess what...God DID take care of him and a million times better than I ever could have.

More recently I was standing in the shower, singing at the top of my lungs to "Your Great Name" by Natalie Grant. Music is a big form of worship for me (probably the reason I cry through all the songs during church) but it is hard to hear anything when I am singing. So I stopped singing and just listened...I heard (in my head) "Michelle, everything WILL be ok." Now, I have said a phrase like that to myself maybe a million times over the past 5 months but this time it was a statement of truth...not an optimistic prediction. There is a huge difference. At that moment I believed that statement of truth and I just knew it didn't come from me.

I know this topic can come across as a little "off the wall" but I want you to know that God does speak to His children but in different ways. I also know that most people will not believe until they experience it themselves which is just fine. The thing is, you have to believe a little bit before you can start to see (and hear) what God has in store for you.

What do you say...when you are not ok?

"How are you doing with everything?"
"How is the job search going?"
"Have you found anything yet?"
"How are you doing financially?"
"Are you ok?"

I am ok...I guess

Welcome to the opening lines of just about every conversation I am having lately. I know that people ask out of genuine concern and care but I am running out of energy to give them the pleasant and hopeful responses I have memorized by now. As a Christian, I feel like I need to have that pleasant response all the time. I have the hope of Jesus...I really do but it doesn't mean I can always feel it. I have moments of absolute certainty that God has amazing things ahead for me but I also have moments of despair and doubt. I am human and my mind is a constant battle field between the best and worst case scenarios.

Honesty, is something that I think is really lacking in the Church. I don't want to be the one to break the image of happy and hopeful Christians but we struggle too. Somewhere I got this idea that once I was in a close relationship with God...I wouldn't struggle this much but I have found the opposite to be true. No one said it would be harder.

The truth is...that I am not ok but our definitions of "ok" may differ. I have an incredible support system full of amazing friends and family including my husband who is the best gift from God. I see God's love for me and support during this time but it is still hard. I know I will be ok, but I am not ok right now. There is the truth...the truth that you don't really want to hear when you ask how I am doing. I think it is important to know that even with a firm faith in Christ...I am still having a tough time. I still have doubts and anxiety about my future. I still have times when I am not ok.

But there is good news...God doesn't change even when I do. His faithfulness doesn't change even when I am consumed with doubt. His love for me doesn't decrease even when I am angry about where He has me waiting. I don't know about you...but that is the definition of hope. Hope is the difference between me and a non-believer who has been unemployed for 5 months. I have hope...that God will fulfill his promises and hope that His love is never ending and never changing.

When I look at it that way....then I guess I really am ok. When I focus on all of that...my search for a job and all of the other issues in life seems "Strangely Dim."

This song is really an anthem for my life right now. "Strangely Dim" by Francesca Battistelli