"How is the job search going?"
"Have you found anything yet?"
"How are you doing financially?"
"Are you ok?"
I am ok...I guess
Welcome to the opening lines of just about every conversation I am having lately. I know that people ask out of genuine concern and care but I am running out of energy to give them the pleasant and hopeful responses I have memorized by now. As a Christian, I feel like I need to have that pleasant response all the time. I have the hope of Jesus...I really do but it doesn't mean I can always feel it. I have moments of absolute certainty that God has amazing things ahead for me but I also have moments of despair and doubt. I am human and my mind is a constant battle field between the best and worst case scenarios.
Honesty, is something that I think is really lacking in the Church. I don't want to be the one to break the image of happy and hopeful Christians but we struggle too. Somewhere I got this idea that once I was in a close relationship with God...I wouldn't struggle this much but I have found the opposite to be true. No one said it would be harder.
The truth is...that I am not ok but our definitions of "ok" may differ. I have an incredible support system full of amazing friends and family including my husband who is the best gift from God. I see God's love for me and support during this time but it is still hard. I know I will be ok, but I am not ok right now. There is the truth...the truth that you don't really want to hear when you ask how I am doing. I think it is important to know that even with a firm faith in Christ...I am still having a tough time. I still have doubts and anxiety about my future. I still have times when I am not ok.
But there is good news...God doesn't change even when I do. His faithfulness doesn't change even when I am consumed with doubt. His love for me doesn't decrease even when I am angry about where He has me waiting. I don't know about you...but that is the definition of hope. Hope is the difference between me and a non-believer who has been unemployed for 5 months. I have hope...that God will fulfill his promises and hope that His love is never ending and never changing.
When I look at it that way....then I guess I really am ok. When I focus on all of that...my search for a job and all of the other issues in life seems "Strangely Dim."
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